The Truth of The Matter
by EmD23
Summary: "I'm a jerk," Ron declared one afternoon. Harry, Ginny and Hermione looked at him. "Well yeah," Harry agreed. *No Character Bashing. A mockfic*


"I'm a jerk," Ron declared one afternoon. Harry, Ginny and Hermione looked at him.

"Well yeah," Harry agreed.

"And I'm a bitch," Ginny shrugged.

"I can be a huge bitch as well," Hermione supplied helpfully.

"I'm perfect."

"Shut up, Harry."

"No, really!" Ron insisted. "I am a jerk! I've made Hermione cry a thousand times."

"Hermione cries at everything," Harry said, rolling his eyes. "She has bouts where she has her strong feminine moments for JKR's peace of mind but most of the time she's overly emotional and irritable."

"...who is JKR?" Ginny asked.

Harry frowned for a moment. "I don't know. Weird."

"And I react by lashing out at people when I'm hurt!" Ron exclaimed.

"Like many normal human beings," Hermione said.

"How about the fact that your dream was to become Head Boy and Quidditch Captain?" Ginny interjected, "and yet you didn't try in school at all!"

"Because getting good grades will make me Quidditch Captain," Ron scoffed. "And I could never be Head Boy. You people need to understand my dream wasn't to actually accomplish those things, just to surpass my brothers. Honestly. That was like...bloody symbolism or something."

"But you could have accomplished those things and surpassed your brothers," Hermione pointed out.

"Not at all. It wouldn't really be a big deal. Besides, I was like 11."

"You're an idiot," Ginny snapped.

"And you're a Mary Sue. Seriously, where were you for like the first 4 books? And what did you do to my actual sister?" Ron demanded.

"It's called developing off-screen," Ginny said with an air of smug superiority. "But you couldn't comprehend it, seeing as how you didn't develop at all."

"Ron did develop," Harry said, sounding offended. "Because since all authors write me as this amazing judge of character and level-headed person it would be out of character for me to remain friends with Immature!Ron."

"But they do make you dump him," Hermione said.

"Yeah, because they like to make up their own versions of characters and then pretend as though they are like...super official canon."

"Tossers," Ron mumbled.

"There's nothing wrong with writing your own version of characters!" Hermioned cried.

"Of course not," Harry said gently, "but when you claim your characters are what canon should have been and how you're more in tune with them than the actual author then it gets a little silly."

"Can we get back to me since I'm apparently extremely self-centered?" Ginny said.

"Sure. If you were my love interest and soul mate, why did you develop off-screen?" Harry asked.

Ginny shrugged. "No clue. But it worked out."

"I guess."

"How about the fact that Hermione's a total bitch and all authors seem to ignore that?"

"Ronald!"

"You were kind of a total bitch to Luna," Harry said reasonably.

"I stopped!"

"Only because she helped you. Honestly Hermione can't you make friends the normal way? People aren't things you use."

"I do not use people!"

"She's above that," Ron said sagely.

"Thank you Ron," Hermione beamed.

"She just used Imperio on me."

Ginny snorted.

"Don't you think you guys are blowing each others' flaws out of proportion?" Colin Creevey asked, crawling out from a crack on the floor.

"Bloody Hell, Colin! Nearly gave me a heart attack you tosser! I should cut off your bollocks!"

"Whoa, Brit overload."

"The author likes to pretend he's British and injects British words he learned through fanfiction."  
>"Gotcha."<p>

"But yeah, people do tend to overdo our flaws," Ron said.

"And then they like to write other characters, particularly Hermione, like they're flawless."

"Yeah, Hermione is usually a perfectly logical and brilliant female who never lets her emotions get the best of her and is always in control," Colin informed.

Ginny, Harry and Ron all snorted.

"Ginny's like Harry's cure to everything."

"Yeah, okay," Ginny said in amusement.

"Ron is caring and understanding."

Ron laughed.

"And Harry's perfect."

"That's absolutely correct."

They all stared at him.

"Didn't you wanna use Crucio on Snape and Malfoy in fourth year?"

"Er-"

"Didn't you say some insensitive things about Cedric when Cho blew up on you?"

"Ah-"

"Didn't you almost kill Malfoy and Snape, used Crucio twice, and Imperio many times?"

"Well you see-"

"Sirius is an awful parental figure."

"He's perfect!" Harry said.

"He attempted murder on Snape and showed no regret. Clearly he's the epitome of parenthood."

"Like your mother's so much better!" Harry snapped at Ginny.

"My mother's awful," Ron agreed.

"No she's not, she's concerned! It's called a character flaw! We all have them!"

"Like Fred and George tossing Montague headfirst into a broken Vanishing Cabinet? I'm pretty sure that's attempted murder."

"Yes," Ron agreed. " and I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure but if you can't handle me-"

"If you finish that I'll kill you," Harry stated firmly.

"Sorry."

"You're not that selfish though. I mean, you accompanied Harry everywhere without gaining anything."

"Tell that to the fanfic authors," Ron mumbled. "But thanks, Hermione."

"Where's Colin?"

"He died."

"I did not," Colin stated calmly.

"Why do people bash me and Ginny so much?" Ron asked dejectedly.

"Because you're in the way of Harmony aka Harry and Hermione."

"That's disgusting," Harry stated at once. "Did people miss the fact that I thought hanging out with Hermione for long periods was kind of slightly very boring?"

"Yuck," Hermione agreed.

"That'll make the Ron/Hermione shippers happy. They're disgustingly rabid," Ginny said. "Apparently they're the perfect couple."

"But we aren't," Ron said. "We fight and argue a lot more than regular couples."

"We do. I mean we work, but we could be happier with other people."

"Don't tell the diehards that! They'll die of like...something..."

"Have you noticed that we're all incredibly OOC?"

"This is fanfiction, Colin. Honestly. We're always OOC."

"The point is that we all have flaws, guys," Harry addressed them at large. "Ignoring them or amplifying them to bend us into what an author wants is fine only as long as they don't delude themselves into thinking their interpretations are the actual characters. Write to your heart's content but don't get ridiculous. Character bashing and pretentiousness are both awful."

"Hear, Hear!"

"Also, Charlie Weasley is the best character in the series."

"He's not," Hermioned said quietly.

"Are we done?" Ron asked.

"You started it!"

"I know but I'm hungry!"

"Don't worry," Hermione said, "we can cook on the flames Em is sure to get for this."

"Who's Em and why would he get flames?"

Hermione paused. "I don't know."

* * *

><p>AN: Quite literally the worst thing I've ever written. I don't even know what it's supposed to be or what the point is anymore. I think it started off against a rant about character bashing/warping of any kind on the pretense it's the 'correct interpretation' and half-way through it got drunk and lost its mind. I'm guilty of the things stated here as well. And notice no character is defended well because people have their minds made up and defending is useless. I've learned that the hard way.

But hey, it's written so why not post it.

I will comfort myself by lying and saying it's written terribly to mock terrible writers.

Flame away guys!

And a Happy New Year!


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